I really hate being alone.

Bored bored booooreddd

Well, I've got bronchitis and I'm stuck on the couch....so update it is....

Honestly don't have too much to write, I have a wonderful wonderful new group of friends. No significant other, which is getting a little lonely. Family....let's just say I won't be going home for Thanksgiving...

yikes, that was a happy entry

Hmm....

More to write, no time to write it.

I went to a poetry slam the other day. To be brutally honest, the only one that actually reached out and grabbed me was done by the host. That being said, I admire the guts it takes to get up there and just.....explode your passions. I was thinking about how I used to write. Not sure if I was ever any good. But...obviously I like writing. Hence, blog? The closest I've gotten to poetry lately was the darn colorguard poem!

As for school and life and love....things are happening, pretty much good things :) I need to learn to calm, to let go, to....relax? Yes. It's only when I get into a relationship that I realize that my 'issues' ahem aka BPD really do still have control of me. I worry intensely over stupid things, I overanalyze, I cling, yadayada, etc. So, let's try this another way. Let's realize that the little things don't matter in the long run, that I'm a great person just as I am, and that if I can get through the last year, I really can do anything.

I need to find a mantra, something to tell myself when I start to get wound up or worried. These last two months have been so blissfully free of drama and concern and pain, and I'd like it to stay that way.

A hobby would be good. Other than books :p Maybe I should pick up writing again. I just feel sometimes like my thoughts aren't worth reading? But then again, it's for me, so who cares what they think?

Teaching

You know, when you're a history major, people will invariably ask you if 'you want to teach.' I can't even count the times people have assumed I'm going into teaching. There really are so many options for history majors, but becoming a teacher seems to be an assumed profession. For this reason, teaching had always been on my back burner. I was tired of people (including parents) trying to railroad me into becoming one. However...it has always been on my mind as a career choice, not because it's the 'sensible, or ideal choice,' but because the amount of impact you have on people's lives as a teacher is immeasurable. I've learned a lot about myself over the past couple years working at EdMS. I know that sometimes I have trouble being patient, but that I'm also a leader. I'm that go-to girl when someone needs help, or needs a problem solved. I don't take crap from anybody, and I know when to lend a hand. It's only been recently that I've realized that I would, in reality, make a darn good teacher. I always thought that perhaps I'm a bit too impatient...maybe a little too bossy...maybe too fond of telling people what to do... but then thinking back on my teachers... the good ones knew how to handle 'problem students,' and were really people who could think outside the box and still get the job done. I think I could be good :)

It's really something I've been thinking about for quite some time, at least a couple years. Whenever I thought about what I wanted to be, what my 'big kid' job should entail...I invariably came back to becoming a high school history teacher. I love history. LOVE. I love realizing that patterns occur over and over, that the countries we see as so different really follow some of the same paths. I love learning about the random and crazy tidbits (defenestration, anyone?). I want students to love it too. I want to inspire people like my teachers (not just history) inspired me. When people think about who had the greatest impact in their lives, teachers undoubtedly make the majority of the lists. I want to change people's lives. I want to make them better. I want kids to love my class, to love learning about history. I want them to realize that history doesn't have to be a painful exercise in memorization. I want creativity.


I suppose I'm being overly idealistic. I know it's going to be hard. I know my feelings will be hurt probably daily, that I will go home exhausted and have to get up and do it all over again. I'll probably catch more colds than I know what to do with, I'll have to follow state standards and figure out how to keep kids in line.

But I'm so excited. I really want to do this.

Wish me luck, I'm meeting with the advisor program on Monday! Let's hope she thinks I'd be a good teacher too :)

And so on...

It's been about two months since James and I broke up. To be completely honest, it is probably the best decision I made in years. I've had a great time reconnecting with my friends, who were kind enough to welcome me back to a social life. I just wish I had left sooner. Nothing is worth that.

However...I need to calm it down a bit. I've gone out and partied far far too much, and my sleep schedule and bank account is suffering. I settled down this week when I realized that I had to work 35-40 hours a week to pay for everything. It's hard. Working this much on top of trying to do my best in school is rough. I haven't gone to bed before 2am in a few weeks. Reasons? I'm either at work til midnight, studying til midnight, or on the weekends, blowing off steam until god knows when. I really would like to graduate, not only for the diploma, but for the reason that I can't handle school + a full time job. I'd love to be able to say that I'm mature enough, and a hard enough worker, that a 50-60 hour week is doable. But it isn't. I'm always exhausted, I'm always tired, and this is getting so old. I don't know what I'd do if I was taking a full load. Dropping that extra class was a good idea. I don't have time for anything else.


But...I'm going to hold on. I'm going to study and work as much as possible to reach my goals. I'm going to apply to grad school. I'm going to get through this semester'o'hell and finally get on my way.