Update

I didn't realize it had been this long since I've updated. All sorts of stuff going on! I found an great job working at Evans Library! Full-time! With benefits and everything! Yay! I'm hoping that it won't be the same experience I had with the last full time position I took. I think though, that being a library position, the people will be much more like me. Hopefully. I just dislike drama and negativity, which is all that the courthouse was. I start on March 21st, and they are being very welcoming, and very understanding about my upcoming wedding/need to take off. I'm very excited, and it'll be great to finally have something to do in the afternoons other than clean.

In wedding news, we had a lot LOT of back and forth and rescheduling and changing before settling on our current plans. We decided to have the wedding ceremony in Las Vegas (which my family isn't thrilled about) and have a reception/party two weekends after we come back, with burgers, drinks, cupcakes, etc. I think it'll be fun :) I'm very excited to be getting married, but also nervous. I get anxious easily, and the thought of being someone's wife is intimidating. I'm sure it'll be fine, as we have a great relationship and tend to work things out quickly. I guess coming from two generations of divorce I feel wary, but I know I am not my parents (or grandparents, or aunt) and that I can make good decisions regarding our relationship. I just wish I could tame the anxiety. It has skyrocketed since we got engaged, and I'm just hoping that after the wedding it'll chill the hell out.

The funny thing is, the closer we get to the wedding, the more "baby pangs" I'm getting. It's very unsettling, to be honest. I've never really wanted kids. I don't know if I'm cut out to be a mother, and I'm not sure if this is a world I want to bring a child into. But lately, damn do I want a baby. I don't know why!! Every time I see baby pictures on facebook, or watch baby shows on television, I start thinking about us having one, and how we would raise him/her and etc. I've even looked up parenting tips, and the pros/cons of cloth diapers! What the hell is wrong with me?! ::deep breath::

I think this is a normal, biological reaction in response to the upcoming wedding. I think that for my body marriage = stability, and Matt = stable provider/father. I really do realize that I can't have kids right now. No, it would not be horrible if it happened in the next couple of years, and I'm sure we would be thrilled and would make it work. But...I have things to do. I want to drink snobby beers and stay up late playing video games. I want to be able to go where I want without a diaper bag weighing me down, and I want to travel! I think that I want to wait at least 4 years. Logically, 4 years from now we should have bought a house, we should have more income, and I should (WILL) have travelled to Europe by then. I also will only be 27/28 which is still young enough to not have much worry about conceiving. I hope.

Anyways, that's really all for now. It's been a busy few months, and the next 6 weeks are going to be busy/awesome!